Being a Wellness Professional: Good or Evil?
Written by: Angela Charles, LMFT
That was total click bait! I have been watching way too many Disney and Marvel movies this summer.
However, in all seriousness, those of us in healing, helping, high achieving roles as business owners (like how I did that with the 3 H’s?) can sometimes do our “good deeds” for the wrong reasons.
Let me explain.
We all create adaptations after dealing with hard stuff. Hard stuff may include life-altering crises or lots of smaller experiences that result in deep pain or ongoing insecurities, loneliness, grief, shame, rage or feeling like we are “not enough”. Our adaptations may be gifts to ourselves and others but they may also serve as bandaids, covering these intense feelings.
For example, the child who grew up having to anticipate the needs of his caregivers, may grow up to be a highly attuned therapist.
The teenager who found that her confidence grew in tandem with her successes may grow up to become an entrepreneur who burns the candle at both ends.
The person who never really felt seen, may grow up to be a coach who takes pride in helping others feel valued but sees no value in himself outside of that role.
Sometimes our greatest talents are birthed out of our greatest pain and wounding. And, doesn’t it show resilience to turn our own suffering into beauty for someone else? Absolutely.
The problem is that sometimes we end up on these paths to our own detriment. Our need to care for others becomes a way to avoid our own vulnerability. Or our desire to achieve success gets in the way of our physical health or even our personal relationships. Or when our sense of worth is so tied to what we do that we lose sight of who we are.
There is a big difference between helping others because we want to and helping others because we are afraid that if we don’t we will lose our own value.
As individuals involved in helping professions, our adaptations often get rewarded too which even makes it harder to be self aware and recognize when our desire to help may actually come at a cost to ourselves. So it’s up to us to ask some honest questions. Can you receive support as easily as you offer it? Can you say “no” without guilt or over-explaining? Are you able to recognize when compassion becomes compromising to your own health and well being? Is helping others a form of avoiding your own stuff?
There is a big difference between helping others because we want to and helping others because we are afraid that if we don’t we will lose our own value.
So, are we good or evil? Neither! We are human. With tons of flaws and insecurities and also strengths and the ability to persevere. I think the bottom line is, let’s be real with ourselves and acknowledge (without judgement) that sometimes we want to help others out of a place of compassion and curiosity and other times we want to soothe something unresolved inside of us. The latter motivation tends to come with a cost. When we notice our unresolved trauma, attachment wounds or intense emotions rising to the surface, it is okay to step out of the helper role for a moment and take care of YOU. You are worth it.
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